On the Silence

To be lost is as legitimate part of your process as being found.

Alex Ebert

It is late, but not quite so late that it is another day. It is almost the witching hour, and here I sit in my own personal spot by the sea where I have dreamed and reflected on my life over the past two years. It has been where I have found joy, peace, happiness, and love. It has been where I have shed tears, shaken with anger, been paralyzed by anxiety, fear, and doubt, and felt deep sorrow. It has been where I have found confidence, felt strong, rallied my optimism, gained momentum, continued to fight and climb as high as I can. To manifest my dreams. But tonight, none of those things exist. Tonight, things are different.

I sit here and the night air is a touch cool. Even fall comes to this tropical paradise, to some a welcome relief to the hot and humid summer days. But tonight the chill is not welcome to me. I embrace the warmth, the heat that is felt in your bones, the humid air leaving just a light hint of sweat on the skin like velvet kisses. Those evenings my hair becomes soft and curly, just a bit wild, and I feel free as I breathe in the salty air and my feet touch the wet sand. My soul becomes one with the sea as waves crash into the shore and retreat back to the horizon. But not tonight.

The stars shine bright, one here, another there, peeking from behind clouds. The moon is waning after a spectacular full display just a day or so ago. Time is moving, and with it changes. A seemingly circle of constants that is just a bit off kilter. Derailed. And that is what is different.

Patterns. They make up the fabric of my journey, seemingly infinite moments captured as threads weaving the story of my life. The fabric unfurls as far as I can see, in all directions. Gazing across, there is no beginning, no end. My path, once clear, is confused, and I find myself mute. My thoughts are strangely absent. Images of words form, words that have been said to me. Profound. Kind. Gentle. Noble. Amazing. Bright. Gifted. Blessed. Brave. They flash briefly then fade as I struggle to absorb them into my psyche. The concepts float as my soul tries them on and finds them foreign yet familiar. They do not seem to fit the road I have been traveling, that has disappeared, and left me seeing only the darkness which is the absence of my light.

I am lost but I am free. A vast unknown is in front of me. My way, so sure up till now, is uncertain. The means I have always used and that built my foundation seem to be useless in this new space. I do not know what tomorrow brings. I do not know if I will meet the challenge. Yesterday a friend said to me “You have been training lifetimes for this.” And so I think, just like preparing for a race, the work has been done. I am in the middle of a marathon that begs acceptance, patience, belief. I have been through so much and I will keep going. As the waves gently crash, I hear the words “Trust the process” and they comfort me. I think of how the person who said those words to me when I was seeking spiritual guidance showed up out of the blue tonight. And, I think, everything happens as it should. Everything will be alright. I do not have a dream anymore, but I have something better. Faith.