On What is Missing

Once more you open the door

And you’re here in my heart

And my heart will go on and on

Celine Dion

Today I sit here, preparing for the next meeting, the next decision, the next ask, and though it all seems the same, something feels off. It’s not the change of the season; it is the first day of fall, though in Florida that just means I am wearing a light blazer over my shirt instead of the light down coat I would farther up North where I have resided most of my life. I sit quietly for a few minutes, sipping my (well, let’s not say the number for today) coffee, and reflect on what I am feeling.

Sometimes we take on so much we don’t realize how much. Anxiety, stress, worry, fatigue, all are small drops of water that ping my soul over the days and weeks, months and years. My soul is like a bucket that is slowly filled with this rainwater. It is tough to understand how much is in there since we keep going, sometimes blindly, regardless of the challenges, because we just keep going. Whether we have to (money doesn’t grow on trees), or we want to (staying up too late to enjoy an activity when rest should be priority, especially as I’m no spring chick anymore), the bucket becomes heavier incrementally until it is full and overflows, and once it tips, the weight of all that is in there is released and let free. The past couple of days certainly prompted a bucket tipping event on a number of fronts, both personal and professional. I had felt on Monday that soul release but it hadn’t truly dawned on me that it was a permanent and not fleeting release. What has been released? Missing was the soul crushing uncertainty of a few days ago. But that was not it. Missing also was the feeling of despair that had been pounding me the past few months. Closer, but still….

It felt kind of like when you get out of that relationship, romantic or friendship, where you realize what you were compromising. The parts of yourself you were hiding, the important stuff you thought wasn’t that important because having this person was more important, the devaluation you felt because that lover or “friend” always made you feel you weren’t that important to them, rarely supported you or your dreams, never saw you as you but just an extension of their own needs and wants. It dawned on me I felt the same way when my world crashed in the past and in its demise, the pain and grief in my loss, I had also realized the enormous freedom to see another future. To try another way. To create a new life. To dream a new dream. I realized that what was missing was the feelings of inadequacy, not enough, uncertainty in my own self worth that I had been subconsciously feeding these past few months as I spiraled into the abyss, just like I’d had in unhealthy relationships and environments I’d been in. And with that release I was free to see my future again, one through the eyes of the person I truly am versus the one I was devolving into as I internalized the recent events. And in that was the surety that we will continue, life can transform, and change is always possible if you let go and see the world through the eyes of your soul.

Sisyphus

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