On Both Sides

Forever is composed of nows.

Emily Dickinson

I am at the age, or some may say I have passed the age, where I can look back and ahead from this moment in time equally. Looking back I see the arrogance of my youth, reflected in those walking behind me, and in eyes older than mine I see the echoes of what will be for me, as I too may one day pass milestones that are long gone for others. And in these images I feel the need to find forgiveness for impatience, ego, lack of compassion, and selfishness, and offer understanding, kindness, and gratitude. Grace.

The past few months have been eye opening to me, as walls collapse and I walk through the rubble to reveal truths that were hidden. As the world becomes smaller, I see my vision becoming clearer and reaching farther. I have been given a talent for puzzling things out, seeing infinite possibilities with the pieces at hand. It’s both a blessing and a curse because it can be difficult to focus on just one possibility. Some days I feel like I am in a fog, and indecisiveness can bog down progress. The knowledge that life is starting to grow shorter for me coupled with the current pandemic has provided a type of tunnel vision. With this new sight I see the world and the people in my life with new perspective.

We cannot know the end game, and at times I feel that this life and those who journey with me will meet when the final veil inevitably falls as my eyes close one last time. I do not dwell in the past, and many times I am lost in the future of possibilities, but this new vision has brought home the knowledge that this moment is the only one that matters and with that, I live with intent.