On Molasses

I have no great talents. I am only passionately curious.

Albert Einstein

Some days, I feel like I’m being pressed under a mountain. I find my breathing shallow and I feel a silent screaming under my skin to GET OUT. My muscles tense and want to spring into action but I am strangely paralyzed. I watch the hands of the clock move forward as I sit, unable to move. Time accelerates even as it seems to slow. I feel a thousand things I need TO DO gnawing at me. They are like stones around my neck, pulling me down. I start to panic, but nothing is strong enough to get me TO MOVE. My mind races even as my body is static. I am in an odd limbo between inaction and action. It’s times like this I wish could relax. Just breathe deeply, exhale, LET GO. Action has become such a habit to me because there is always so much to be done and many times only me to do it. At least, that’s how I FEEL. And it is these runaway emotions that keep me from taking any action and do not let me relax. I am stuck in molasses. Fears, worries, guilts all surface and pummel me while I sit, so quietly, seeming in serene repose but actually a frozen statue of thin clay that at any moment could spring a leak and release with a fury all the chaos inside.

Over the years I have learned to move through the molasses, how to pull myself out of the mire, how to avoid the dark muck that traps me and sucks my soul. To carefully reinforce the small cracks in the veneer to prevent a catastrophic flood. But, I think, that my methods to deal with these episodes are not the best ones. Because there is a whole world of experiences I do not cross over to enjoy on this path; I find myself blocking off large swathes of life. Avoidance is a strategy that should be employed in some situations, especially when there are many unknowns and the risk great. But as I have grown and mastered some parts of life, I am stronger. I find that if I can bend or release rigid beliefs that were needed to protect me in the past, I may have room for new ones. New ways. And inside me is an adventurer’s soul. Curiosity, thirst for knowledge, joy in discovery express themselves in the actions I take, everyday. As my life becomes more focused, ironically it frees up other space for me to explore new directions. To do this requires bravery, thought, and care to maintain balance on the foundation I have painstakingly built.

I’m ready coach. Put me in. Game on.